Dresden's birth story - September 9, 2008
written September 30, 2008

I guess you can say it started on Sunday night, close to midnight.  I was trying to remember the last time I felt the baby move - it seemed like it had been a while.  Reclining always made him move, so I laid back in the chair and poked him a bit.. nothing.  Shaun came over and talked to him - asked him what he wanted his name to be.  I said, he's just so big there isn't any room, babies do this kind of slowing down thing as you prepare for labor - they like to rest up, I guess for the big event!  I went to sleep figuring I'd feel him tomorrow.  Monday it was my job to get the boy to move!  All day I reclined, drank the Gatorade that I picked up for labor, laid on my left side, then my right, read all kinds of stuff online about this being normal late term stuff.  Shaun was way more worried than me.. he wanted me to get a doppler and find the heart beat!  I had to go to Walmart for cat food, so I thought.. a stethoscope would work.. meh, sucky stethoscope, barely heard MY heartbeat.  When Shaun got home from work, he called the hospital... I was mildly concerned, but still felt like this was no biggie - when the midwife called back, I spoke to her and she said that it's likely no problem, but lets have  you come in for a check.. I was a little annoyed to have to drive out there for 'nothing' I knew that we'd be on our way  back home in no time and they would tell me what I knew and that was that the baby is down low into the birth canal and he's just getting prepared for a great fast labor! The drive out there was long.. I got a little nervous as we got closer, just because I was going into a hospital.  Gwen fell asleep in the car seat.  We parked and made our way to triage - they were expecting us.  I got a bracelet and went right back to the room.. peed in a cup, changed into my gown and waited for a minute for the nurse.  She put the fetal monitor on, but didnt' find anything... she didn't try long and I wasn't worried.. she said, instead of worrying you, we'll just get the ultrasound machine in here.. as she said that the nurse with the machine rolled in.  They started the ultrasound.  Scanned the baby, Shaun turned around - I could see that he knew, his eyes were just darting from side to side, he was starting to tear up, he knew.. I knew too.  I'd seen my baby on ultrasound before - he was always wiggling around, trying to get away from the pushing and his heart was always beating.  They called the doctor in.. she looked for herself and told us in the gentlest way possible that she was looking at the baby and there was no heartbeat.  Shaun started screaming NO! NO!  My SON! MY SON!! HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN?  HIS DUE DATE IS SO CLOSE !  HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN?  The nurse told him that he needed to breathe or he would pass out.  Gwen was asleep in her stroller.  I tried to comfort Shaun.  He kept saying the same things over and over - I can't believe you're handling this better than ME!  I wasn't handling it at all.. I was in shock - I was thinking the same things he was thinking, I just couldn't believe it.. maybe the ultrasound machine was broken?  maybe something was unplugged?  This couldn't be happening!  I would KNOW if my baby was dead!  wouldn't I?  How can you NOT KNOW!  What about intuition?  How could I not know!  The doctor asked how we would like to deliver.. I told them that I had a previous cesarean, and couldn't be induced.. I said that I can't go through labor and delivery, I just couldn't do it - I needed another c-section.  They left us for a little while to talk..  I ran to the bathroom and threw up.  The doctor came back in and asked when I had eaten.. I said, 2 hours ago- even though by then it had probably been 3 or more.. that meant the c-section would have to wait until 1am - it was only 8pm.  The nurse/grief counselor (who also lost a baby 30 years ago) called our parents, so they could come to the hospital.  We had her tell them what happened, so they didn't think that they were on their way for happy things.  They moved us to a room, where we just waited.  The hospital staff was great with us, they checked on us often, at one point the midwife just sat with us.    We cried a lot, and just waited.  I kept putting my hand on my belly and my mom would hopefully ask why I was doing that.. does it feel like he's moving?  No, just keep getting braxton hicks contractions.. my whole belly would just tighten, and it made me think of my baby.  A lot of this part is such a blur, I just waited and wanted to see my son and to hold him and waiting was hard.  Finally the time came.. Shaun put on his c-section gear and had to wait in the hallway.  He told me later that when people would walk by and smile at him, because they knew he was about to meet his baby - every dad in that chair is filled with excitement!  Not this time though.. this time it was a dad filled with dread and praying that there was a mistake.. hoping for some kind of miracle, willing for a living baby to come of my uterus!  I had a spinal block - I asked the doctor if I would get a headache - he said, no.. it's a thinner needle than they used to use, and it's rare to get those anymore.. why did I even ask that?  Why did I even care?  He poked between my spine - it hurt!  I thought he was sticking needles in.. but it was his fingernail, trying to get the best place.. he placed the block, I laid down and they made sure the drugs were working.  My body was numb, my poor baby dead inside of me - my mind was numb too.  Waiting was torture.. I kept making sure they didn't forget about Shaun.. finally he joined me.  I kept asking the midwife if he was born yet, did they cut me yet, are they done?  I was shaking uncontrollably - from either drugs or birth, at some point I ask the anesthesiologist if there was anything to stop the shaking!?  He said, I can try to give you something for it.. it helped a little.  The midwife told me that he was born - obviously that miracle thing didn't pan out.. there were no cries, only mine and Shaun's.. there were no happy congratulations, only sadness and sympathy.  They asked if we wanted to see him right away?  YES!  I want to see my son!  The baby who grew inside of me, who lived and died inside of me who was part of me!  I want to see him! Shaun held him first, just hugged him and cried.  I kissed his little head, his sweet little head.  His skin was a little peely, since he had died inside - otherwise he was just perfect, a delicate little face, the cutest button nose.  It took forever for them to stitch me back up, I kept asking the midwife if they were almost done?  Halfway..  oh god!  I can't handle this anymore!  I held our baby boy as they wheeled me back to the room.  They didn't take me to recovery like they normally do with c-section patients.. Who wants to be in a room with moms and their live babies when all you have is a dead one?  Shaun's parents had taken Gwen home, it was late.. I think almost 3 before I got back in the room.  My mom and sisters were there waiting to meet the grandson/nephew that we didn't get to keep!  Shaun and I held him for a little while, then everyone else got a chance to hold him.. we took pictures -  I regret not getting one of Shaun and I holding him together.. but I guess our brains weren't functioning on normal, so we'll have to make due with what we have - the nurse also took pictures of Dresden for us and made hand and foot prints.  At 4:30am or so, I told my mom and sisters that they could leave.. go home and get some sleep!  We kept the baby with us in our room all night.  Shaun held him, but mostly he was in bed with momma.  He stayed with us until about 11am when Shaun's parents returned with Gwen, Dawn and Brittany.  We felt that Gwen was too young to see or hold her brother, so we had the nurse take him for a while.  When Gwen came in, she said to me.. you took our baby out yesterday momma?  I tried so hard to not cry in front of her.. I didn't want her to worry.  Shaun and I hadn't decided how to talk to her about Dresden's death yet.   It's not a conversation we ever thought we'd need to have.  We eventually got moved to a bigger more comfy room.. had dinner and then everyone left.  We brought Dresden in one more time to say goodbye.  It was harder now, because we knew that this was goodbye, but also because  his tiny body was now cold and his skin condition worse.  We held him and cried.. how can this happen to such a perfect baby?  We kissed him, said goodbye, the nurse came in - Shaun wanted to make sure we got HIS hat and blanket, so we took those items.  She covered our baby up and wheeled him out the door and out of our lives forever.  I'm sitting here writing this 3 weeks later - and it STILL does not feel real.  I wonder if it ever will?  When the doctor came in later, I asked her when I could leave.. we just wanted to get home!  She pretty much said, whenever I wanted.  We left on Wednesday at 6am!  30 hours after giving birth to our 2nd child by cesarean.  As Shaun wheeled me out of the hospital, i felt so defeated.. I was leaving the maternity ward with NO BABY... I had staples in my stomach, I had layers of my body cut INTO - and for WHAT???  I had nothing to show, I was missing part of ME.. and Shaun was missing part of him.  We were missing the future we saw when I took that pregnancy test on January 4th, 2008 - that future is gone, forever, just like Dresden. 

I am in a cleaning mood today.  I've cleaned the carpets in the front half of the house, laundry is almost done, I went through the dead flowers that covered my ping pong table ..  then I decided to put the baby clothes away - not too far.. just in the closet part of the dresser in Gwen's room..  while going through them, I put the things that were bought specifically for Dresden on one side and all the other gender neutral things that Gwen also wore on the other side.. I'm not sure why, it just felt right.  Then I remembered that something was missing.. I bought a blue outfit early on, because I was so sure he was a boy that I knew I could buy obvious boy things!  I found the childrens place bag in the closet - still with the receipt. .. 2/2/08  - about  month after taking the first pregnancy test (1/4/08)  we had plans for this baby boy for so long.  He was so wanted and loved - how could he leave us?   I will never understand!

I did it.. something I wasn't sure I would ever do.. took my kid to the ZOO!  Oh dear, what kind of animal rights activist am I?  I've been thinking about this for two years.  How was I going to tell Gwen NO when she asked about going to the zoo?  Then at some point this year,  my feelings about seeing zoo 'prisoners' was overshadowed by my desire for Gwen to SEE animals the she just loves!  I also figured that she will grow up to be more compassionate if she can actually SEE animals and realize that they are real beings with feelings!  The Detroit zoo got rid of their elephant exhibit a few years back, based solely on compassion, so I figured I could support them with a little less guilt.  I told Shaun last month that when he was off work after the baby was born, that I wanted to go to the zoo - I think a lot of people with newborns have that idea.. since the place seemed to be swarming with them!  Overall we had a really nice time there though.  It's a lot different than it used to be back in the day!  Most of the habitats were actually really nice.  They have two bald eagles that have wing injuries and would not have survived in the wild - so they took them in.    Space wise, most of the animals had room to roam.  I wasn't crazy about the Lion or Tiger habitats.. they seemed much too small.. Don't big cats like to run? 

Gwen's favorite animals were the Capybara and the lemurs!  (thanks to those sexy kratt brothers and zooboomafoo!)  She also loved the reptile house and the frogs!  After 4 hours of walking around the zoo.. I felt it in my uterus!  I think I might have overdone it - sometimes I 'forget' that I had some serious abdominal surgery less than 3 weeks ago.. I was worried that I'd wake up today feeling terrible, but nope.. I feel physically fine..  guess I didn't break anything.

and by the way.. one thing we will NEVER do.. NEVER EVER EVER EVER!!  a circus..  well, perhaps when Gwen wants to protest!

Tomorrow is Shaun's 30th birthday!! 

I love you Shauny boy!!  Even though you're really old now, you're still pretty amazing! 

Gwen and I went to the village today.  A nice relaxing time.  We rode the carousel twice!  Gwen was even interested in looking around the houses - she's growing up!  I can't wait to go to Hallowee'n in the village next month..  she's going to love it! 

Shaun and I were talking about time last night.  It is so strange how time seems to change  -  There are moments when it seems like I was pregnant SOOOOO long ago, I mean.. it almost feels like YEARS!  It hasn't even been 3 weeks!  Then there are times when I'm sure I'm still pregnant and this whole thing just never happened!  Shaun went back to work this week - it feels like he's been back forever!  I just can't explain it.. on the other hand, it's almost October and I wonder where did the month of September even go?   So, in some ways, September is the longest month of my entire life and in another way, it's the month that doesn't seem to exist!  Shaun says this is how it is to him too. 

I wonder if this whole skewed concept of time is the brains/bodies way of protecting you somehow?  
I Also find myself wondering - did cavemen feel as sorrowful as I do right now?  Did they have the brain capacity for this kind of grief?   While they were cruising around on thier dinosaur friends and making saddles for them to wear - were they thinking about their lost babies?  (I have to add in case it isn't obvious enough,,, TOTAL SARCASM!)

Yesterday, I tried on my new slings - I couldn't help it... I passed the pool table and saw the laundry basket of Dresden's clothes and things - all freshly washed, all waiting to be worn - the slings were sitting on the top, so I tried them on.  Crazy, right?  Then I saw the snugglesaurus outfit that I got for him as a gift from Gwen and it's really so hard to think that he'll never wear it - the little boy socks are especially hard to look at.   :(

So, Shaun and I finally got some new phones.  We've had our old ones since living in our apartment!  (been in our house over 5 years!)  So, the batteries didn't stay charged and then while in the hopsital the car charger for my phone  broke - so what good is a dead phone with no charger!?  We just transferred our virgin mobile service to the new phones so we got to keep our minutes/plans - we only have to add 15 bucks every 3 months.. it works for us, cause we have no use for a cell most times and just like to have it for emergency situations (I know crazy!!) So, the new phones we bought were only 13 bucks!! They are sooo much more fancy than our old ones too! haha  

I asked Shaun last week if someone asked him how many children do you have, what would he say?  He said, One.. the thought of that alone broke my heart even more.. I told him, but we have two children.  He said, I know.. but the thought and having to explain brings sadness to everyone involved.  Then he thought we should roll play.. he would be the 'new friend'  and I would be me..

Shaun (new friend):  Hi, nice to meet you!  How many children do you have?

Shannon (super sad momma of TWO babies)  Thank you for asking, I have two children - one is dead. :(   (using as much sarcasm as I could possibly at the time)

Shaun (new friend): Ohhhh, sorry, not your friend anymore! 

I could not help but crack up laughing!!   'sorry, not your friend anymore??   what the heck kind of comment would THAT be?    

This will be a difficult question for me to answer though in all seriousness.  I do feel as though I have two children, and it seems that answering differently would make Dresden's existence something that never happened.  At the same time, I can understand the want/need to answer differently to make things easier and not awkward for the unsuspecting person asking a question.  I guess I'll just say what pops into my head at the time and hopefully it's eloquent!  ;)

Well, I think I did better than i thougth I would.  The drive there was hard.. I cried in the parking lot.  But get this!  When I first got into the car, this little hopping grasshopper type guy jumped on my arm.  I rolled the window down and let him out (or so I thought) When I was on the freeway, the little guy hopped onto me again!  I was going to roll the window down, but then thought naaa.. he'd get smooshed on the freeway!  So, in the parking lot, while I was crying before getting the guts to go inside here HE is again!  I just started laughing - maybe the  bug was a sign to smile from my boy?   Shaun was meeting me at the office,  I thought it would be a good idea incase I couldn't handle it on my own.. and also because Shaun would remember the questions we wanted to ask, and remember the exact details that the midwife said!   Anyway, when I went inside and got on the elevator the nurse who usually takes me back gets in with me... she's on the phone, returning from her lunch break.. I find myself hoping that she doesn't really remember me..  the doors open and she LOOKS at me.. it was clear by her expression that she knew exactly who I was - that one sad look said it all... I had to go straight to the bathroom for a quick meltdown before going to the desk to check in.  Shaun arrived as a different - new nurse called me back.   Wow, I still have amazing blood pressure!  I thought maybe it would be like 1000/555  - but nope, 116/68 . 

So, the midwife comes in.. this is not the part of their job that is enjoyable, I'd guess - coming in to talk to grieving parents instead of the usual, YAY you've had a baby, lets get those steri strips off your c-section incision and get you on your merry way, so you can nurse that new baby again!  Nope.. this isn't the kind of appt. I wanted either, but it's what I got!  We talked for a while.  She showed us the blood and placenta results - EVERYTHING they tested for is NEGATIVE (except that I had parvovirus(i thougth that was a dog illness) as a child??) YAY!  I'm SOOOO relieved that the herpes and syphilis test came back negative - I was SOOO worried!   She asked if we were thiking about having more children.  Yes, we are - I asked her how long we have to wait?  She says the basic reccommendation is 18 months between births.. I tell her that there is no way we want to wait that long - it's TOO long!  She reccommends that we meet with a preconception maternal fetal medicine guy (or is it a girl?)  to go over this stuff and that esp. since there is NO CAUSE in Dresden's death that there may be other blood work he could run.. making sure I don't have any blood clotting disorders or what not.  She gives me a refferal to see this new doc.  She also says that the ABSOLUTE minimum time to wait to try again is 3 months.  We'll see, I wouldn't be making any attempts prior to that anyway (I do realize that the cesarean needs to heal, as well as our hearts).. I was thinking maybe 4-5 months.   I asked her how early they can take the baby out of my body! I want to be pregnant for as little time as possible! - THIS coming from someone 3 weeks ago, who even though I was 9 months pregnant in August, I was STILL loving it!  I would have stayed pregnant til October!  So, now I'm asking.. WHEN, please say 36 weeks!  37 maybe??  She said, maybe 37 - they would probably do amnio to check the babes lungs..  Anway, it feels strange and wrong to be even thinking about another baby, just know that I would never want to replace Dresden - he WILL never be replaced, there will always be a special place in my heart, in my life for my 2nd child, for my son, my sweet Dresden. 

A truly beautiful little boy.  I thought from the 3D ultrasound that he looked a lot like Gwen, but they actually looked quite different.  Dresden had really dark hair.. kind of shocked us!  He didn't have tons of it by any means.. but what he did have was probably as dark as my hair is now.  I was born with no hair and when it came in, it was pretty light.  Shaun too had light hair as a baby.  I wonder if Dresden's hair would have lightened over time, or would it have always stayed so dark?  He had the cutest tiny little nose and lips like mommy and gwen.  A long body - a bannana baby like his big sister.. long and slender!  8lbs isn't really small for a newborn, but when they have the length it gives that appearance.  He had long fingernails on large hands - I seriously would have need to bite those little nails immediately so he wouldn't scratch himself.  His skin tone seemed like it would have been darker than any of us pale folks in his immediate family too!   I'll never know what color eyes he had.  Probably blue - since most of our eyes are blue (Shaun just has one partially brown eye) or maybe he would have got daddys multi colored eyes!  I always thought that would be cool.

So, the last message was really pretty negative.  This is a happier one.  I wanted to mention a couple of special gifts that we received in honor of Dresden. 

A brick paver at heritage park with his name and birthdate.  We go to the park often and will always look at Dresden's brick with love and fond memory!  Thank You!

Dresden also is the proud owner of a place in the solar system!  He has a star named for him!  Ursa Major (BEAR!!) RA8h36m46.39sD59  - (I have no idea what those numbers/letters mean other than it telling us which star - Shaun's job!)  We have a star chart and everything that shows his location.  A very thoughtful and cool - no awesome gift!!  Thanks guys! 

Gwen has a book that talks about sister star (all I see is part of me) and now she has a brother star too! 

Already?  2 weeks since our sweet son was born.  Part of it seems SO incredibly long ago, sometimes it feels like it must have been 2 months, even 2 years ago!  Then there are moments where I couldn't possibly have had a baby two weeks ago.. didn't I just feel him wiggling around yesterday?  Isn't Gwen still talking about when baby brother comes out that she's going to read him a story?  Don't I still think I'll be taking him trick or treating held close to my body in the new sling? 

Most times I really feel like I'm on the outside of this looking in.. it's like a movie - a really terrible one- I still think it's not happening to me.  I wonder if it will ever be completely real.  I read in a book that in a study they did on a group of parents that had stillborn babies how long it took them to be happy again (amost the same level of happiness as they had before) for the mothers it was 8 YEARS!!   For the dads they peaked at 3 years and started to fall again?  Strange!   Of course, I should mention that for both groups in the study they were almost as happy by 3 years, but never really acheived the same happiness as they had before.  That alone makes me sad.. I want that happiness for myself and Shaun - I want to be dumb, and close my eyes to this, I want to imagine that this CAN'T happen...  and esp. not to US!   Maybe the crackwhore popping out babies drug addicted.. maybe smokers, drinkers, addicts, pill poppers,(afterall, these are the things that INCREASE chances of a stillborn babe) people who NEVER wanted a baby - whatever!  NOT US!   I'm sorry.. please don't think that I'd wish a baby death for ANYONE - not the biggest druggie in the world, not even the person who will beat their children - I would never wish a baby to die..  it's just too cruel, it's unfair- and you realize when true tragedy walks through your door that nothing else matters - you got long grass that needs mowed??  who gives a crap!  someone's having a 'bad' day?  SORRY, don't care!  Talk to me when you have a dead baby in your mind.

Wow, so I just read this again.. I guess that whole 'angry' part of greif is popping in to say hello.. I thought bout deleting most of this entry, but nahh, I'm gonna leave it. Sorry if your offended, but this is sorta like MY journal...  i'm not going to hide my feelings here - no matter how raw and cranky!

Who knew that making a follow up appointment with the midwives would be so hard.  I call this morning and the receptionist asks me questions.. like when did you deliver?  who do you want to see?  what's your registration number?  I can barely speak!  I can barely breathe...  I have my appointment for Wednesday at 12:30. 

Dresden Shaun Ryan -

While on our drive to Tennessee for my sisters wedding in May, I  brought along the baby name book.. we were determined to find a name for this little guy growing inside of me! Gwen was so easy to name, but nothing seemed to fit for the boy!  Anyway, as we were driving, I pulled out the name book and was looking at the D names.. I said, Hey Shaun!  How about Desmond?  (like the guy from Lost!?!  we both agreed, that Desmond was a solid NO) but just as I said, Desmond, we drove under a sign that said Dryden and I guess I put the two names together and said, what about Dresden?  (also the name of a band I really like)  Shaun immediately LOVED the name.  We wrote it down and talked about it often - some people really loved the name, others thought it was strange, and others I'm sure just hated it!   I looked up the meaning of Dresden - The word Dresden means "people of the riverside forest."  pretty cool meaning, I thought!   But I also discovered that Dresden is a city in Germany that was was bombed horribly in WWII - not exactly a positive thought.  So, after many months of researching names, September rolled around and STILL we did not have it figured out.. I wanted a good solid list of names - maybe 10 that we could choose from when he was born.  I figured once we got a look a him, a name would just fit!   I now wonder if it was some kind of sign that picking a name was so hard.  Considering we'll never really get to call out to him or make up silly songs using his name.  Funny though, that whenever we would ask Gwen what her baby brother's name was - she would always say Dresden!   When he was born, we never even really discussed it.. I just said, his name is Dresden - it fit.. and heck it fit even better, because he sure entered and left our world like a  WWII firebombing!