Wow!  What a day! 

First.. I took Gwen to her playground class in the morning.. almost passed out as I opened the door, because there was a new person there today..  with a daughter about Gwen's age and a NEWBORN boy!  Talk about knocking the wind out!  I tried very hard to avoid looking that way, just playing with Gwen.. luckily the baby didn't do any of that newborn crying - you know, that special 'newborn' cry that is just adroably sweet! The cry that I was sure I was coming home to the other day.. yeah..   but I made it.. with just a bit of misty eyes and no complete sobfest..  I was worried for a moment that I'd have to grab Gwen and run out!  How could I just break down in a room full of almost strangers, ya know?  I feel like I need to tell the teacher of the class, esp. since I've been taking her kickboxing class.. I feel like she is thinking.. GOD!  What kind of mother is this?? I know she was pregnant - and now there's just NO baby!?   Anyway.. that was the start of the day.   I dropped Gwen off at my mom's, so I could head out to the hospital for the pre conception appt.  After leaving there, it started hailing!  HUGE ice rocks falling all over my van!  YIKES!  By the time I got to 94 it was sunny.  Perfect crying weather!  ;)   I do most of my crying while driving.. probably not the safest.. but I like to multi-task, ya know!  So, I finally get to U of M.. I start feeling that panic thing.. the last time I parked in structure A, I was pregnant, the last time I waited for the elevator, I was also waiting for my baby to MOVE, I got to the clinic and then waited.. and waited.. and waited...  my appt. was at 1pm.. I got there at 115 (it took forever to find a parking spot!) At about 150 I got called back.  then I waited.. and waaaaaaaaaited.... and got annoyed.. and waited some more!  Around 220the nurse practicioner came in, went over some questions, then went to get the doctor..  and what do you think happened next?  I WAITED SOME MORE!!  The doctor finally arrived, I think it was 3 by then!  She went right into telling me that they weren't able to find any causes, which I've known.. but I guess I was hoping a little that something else popped up.. I've already made peace with the fact that we will never know what happened to Dresden.  I asked her opinion on trying again, I told her that I know with the cesarean you have to let things heal and that I would really like to try again in January.  she said that she doesn't really worry about the physical healing.. that the emotional side of things is of more concern.  I told her that If I waited 5 years, I would still not be completely emotionally ready for another pregnancy - I will always worry that this will happen again, and I think that's normal.  I feel as far as my emotional state, I'm as ready as I'll ever be!  She suggested to not have a due date close to Dresden's birthday.. well, that might happen anyway.  I figure that no matter what, I'll be pregnant ON his birthday (unless some problems arise - gwen took 5 months, dresden took 1 month) so whether I'm 3 months along or 8, it doesn't really matter.  I don't feel like September 9 is now a horrible unlucky day and that all babies DIE if they are in my uterus at that time!   I'm running out of space, so I'll make another post with some more of the answers she gave me..