Well, here we are.. the chilly days are back!   We still haven't been able to do our leaves.. whenever we could actually do them, it's raining or the leaves are soaked!  Hopefully we get a couple of dry days, so I can get out there and take care of buisness. 

This past week has been kind of down for me.  It's strange, when you start to feel like the day to day life is getting a little better.. when you can think about your dead child and not sob, but maybe smile a little just at the thought of him.. but then out of nowhere grief knocks on the door again, and it's kind of like a punch in the chest - you think the worst is over.. the other hundreds of people and books you've read have to be all wrong.. things can't get as bad as they were at the beginning again, can they?  I do believe it can.   Well, honestly, I don't feel as horrible as I did in the beginning - I can't even imagine how much worse that time would have been without your body protecting you by throwing out the shock card for a while..  strange how that goes, huh?   I spend most of my quiet moments thinking about Dresden, grasping to whatever memories I have of him, wondering when the short 9 months will become a blur..  I'm glad that I kept a journal of my pregnancy, but I wish I'd written more.. I want every detail to stay fresh, I worry that the only details that will stay with me forever are the very last details, the ones I wish didn't exist in the mind of myself or ANYONE - today it is 10 weeks since I sat here looking for info online to prove to me that it was okay that my baby wasnt moving and then finding out later that no.. in this case.. it wasn't okay.     I realize though, after not writing for a week - that it's still important for me to do, it helps me mentally to get everything out, and it heals my heart.   Thanks for listening.  :)