Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:44:57 GMT <![CDATA[ssryan.com]]> Wed, 08 Sep 2010 06:44:57 GMT A lot of people use blogger to do thier journaling (I really don't want to 'blog' so I say this is like a journal.. with entries! hehee)  or blogging.. and while this one from doteasy (the site we have our ssryan.com from.. is easy enough, the blogger one has a lot more features.. I like features!  One of the best features is getting a message sent when someone leaves a comment!  Ours doesn't do that!  Also, adding pictures, videos and  stuff is a lot easier with blogger AND they don't have character limits (at least it doesnt seem they do) and as you know I can sometimes be a little looooooooong winded with my words!  ;)   But don't worry!!  The only reason I am switching is because I can still get there by using www.ssryan.com and therfore, it doesn't really matter that the actual address is www.THEssryan.blogspot.com (I think that's it!) yeah, ssryan.blogspot was taken!!  By someone who hasn't made an entry since 05 - and even then just made 2 entries of HI..  oh well, all I care about is that I can tell people to go to our website and it wil bring them to the journal page just like this one does.  IF for some reason it doesn't work.. I'll continue using this page - because while I like the features of blogger a bit better - I like having one website even more and we've had it since we were living in our first apt - so over 8 years!  Anyhoo..  I told you I was long winded!

]]> <![CDATA[blogger]]> Sun, 23 Nov 2008 02:15:00 GMT I forgot to write about what we did on Sunday!  We took Gwen to her first stage show!  "If you give a pig a pancake"  a musical collection of 8 or 9 stories! It was at the Michigan Theater in ann arbor!  We had a ton of fun and Gwen absolutely LOVED it!  She sat quietly and mesmorized the entire time!  Shaun wants to know when I'm taking her to see cats! haha  A little older before we go spending 60 bucks on theatre tix!   I have to check out DYPAC now for their upcoming shows.  It also seems like they start kids on stage at 3!  I think Gwen would love doing that.. Don't worry.. I'll never be one of those 'stage moms' you KNOW I don't have it in me!!  HAHA  can you imagine Gwen being forced to wear makeup.. when I don't even OWN any myself!! hahhaa  I love it! 

Good night folks! :)

]]> <![CDATA[2 in one night??]]> Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:41:23 GMT So, today.. I was in the yard work spirit!  I swept the leaves off the driveway and lugged em - via the wheelbarrel - to the forest (it will give all the little animals something warm to build homes in!)  Then I drove Gwen to my mom's, since she was going to watch her while I got to mowing/mulching the millions of leaves (we have 10 maples in our yard, so it's rather leafy) I get back home - really feeling like just doing this yard work!!  (do you ever feel like doing chores is FUN?? this was one of those days!)  Go into the garage to retrieve the shed key.. and... umm... WTF?!  Where is the shed KEY!?!  I call Shaun..  Hello, he says innocently from his desk.. WTF (W this time meaning WHERE!?)  is the shed key?  I figured he had put it into  a 'safe' place for the halloween party (he's funny about stuff sometimes)  but nope.. he has no idea where it might be and swears that he did NOT put it anywhere special.. hmmm, so I go on a bit of a hunt through the house - find no keys.. but did find a nice little wallet to exchange my purse for! (YAY!)  I was seriously SO annoyed... I thought for a moment how I could break into the shed.. or maybe cut the lock or something!   Ah, screw it!!  I went to get Gwen..  Shaun came home early (he has an extra shed key on his keychain) took Gwen back to my mom's and got to work.. a couple hours later than I wanted.  I was able to do the front, Shaun swept the roof (he assures me that it's SUPER hard work!  haha  I believe him.. he thinks it'll be my job next year to prove how hard it is- but hopefully I'll b pregnant (or holding a babe in my arms) and therfore 'not allowed' on the roof)  We started on the back.  It was SO cold!  My legs felt like ice and our jaws were numb from the cold!!  28 degrees!!  It was bad when the sun went down!  We'll finish over the next few days and that will feel nice!  :)

 

]]> <![CDATA[ARGH!!]]> Wed, 19 Nov 2008 04:27:53 GMT How can 10 weeks have already gone by us?  Oh, how I wish I was holding a screaming little boy in my lap right now.. sleep deprived (because he was SO not like his big sister, or parents for that matter - and liked staying awake all. the. TIME!)  The realization comes and all the things we'll never do together is so painful.. my heart breaks every time I hear of another family missing their loved little baby, but I feel glad that I (and others, mainly in our online world, where there are so many easily accessible) are there to help pick up some of the pieces, to know that we aren't alone in this horrible journey.. that has given me the most peace - to know that we aren't going through this alone.  Other people have lost babies and they are still here.. and they smile.. and they are 'normal' they have 'rainbow' babies (a nice term for the subsequent children, don't cha think?)  and they always remember the little one who got away -  I wish I didn't have to be 'one of them' but don't we all? 
The next post is a story that I haven't read (I've got it on hold at the library and it's not in yet) It's called Tear Soup..  a fellow grieving momma typed it out in her blog and I'm stealing it so you can read it!  It's a very touching story.. I'm not sure if it's the complete story.. but it's supposed to be a  childrens book..  and It's just perfect..

]]> <![CDATA[10 weeks]]> Tue, 18 Nov 2008 09:03:31 GMT  "There once was an old and somewhat wise woman whom everyone called Grandy.  She just suffered a big loss in her life.  Pops, her husband, suffered the same loss, but in his own way.  This is the story of how Grandy faced her loss by setting out to make tear soup. . . Because of her great loss Grandy knew this time her recipe for tear soup would call for a big pot.  With a big pot she would have plenty of room for all the memories, all the misgivings, all the feelings and all of he tears she needed to stew in the pot over time.  She put her apron on because she knew it would get messy.  It seems that grief is never clean.  People feel misunderstood, feelings get hurt and wrong assumptions are made all over the place.  to make matters worse, grief always takes longer to cook than anyone wants it to.  And then. . . Grandy started to cry.  At first she sobbed.  Sometimes she wept quietly.  And sometimes when she was in a safe place were no one could hear her. . . she even wailed.  Grandy knew she had to make much of this part of the soup alone.  She learned from past experiences that most people don't like being around tears.  her friends would worry if they knew just how many tears Grandy's recipe called for this time.  So, the old and somewhat wise woman reflected on her own special recipe as she looked down into the large overflowing pot of memories.  It was a task she would repeat many times during the next few months. . . Grandy's arms ached and she felt stone cold and empty.  There were not words that could describe the pain she was feeling.  What's more, when she looked out the window it surprised her to see how the rest of the world was going on as usual while her world had stopped.  . . people stopped by to see how Grandy was doing.  They filled the air with words, but none of their words took the smell of tear soup away.  Grandy was gracious because she knew how helpless her friends felt.  they wanted to fix her, but they couldn't.  All Grandy really needed from them at that moment was knowing look and a warm hug. . . Grandy found that most people can tolerate only a cup of someone else's tear soup.  The giant bowl, where Grandy could repeatedly share her sadness in great detail, was left for a few willing friends.  "I'm here," Midge cried.  "I got here as fast as I could and I'll be here whenever you need me.  what a tragedy.  I'm so sorry you're having to make such a big pot of soup."  Oh what a relief.  Grandy knew she didn't have to be careful what she said around Midge.  Midge wouldn't try to talk her out of anything she was feeling.  And Grandy could even laugh and not worry that Midge would assume Grandy was over her grief.  "Sorry I couldn't get here sooner," said Midge.  "No problem," replied Grandy.  "I've had plenty of help.  But most of these friends will be history pretty soon.  They'll be over my tragedy long before I am.  But I know you'll still be around."  . . . On some afternoons people would ask questions like, "Is it soup yet?" Or, "How long is it going to take?  You have been at this for over a month now.  It's time to get out of the kitchen."  Grandy fumed at the caller's advice.  Grandy looked forward to getting the mail each day.  She dreaded the day when no more sympathy cards would come.  When she was alone and needed to think she found it helpful to keep notes on her soup making.  Thank goodness Grandy and Pops have been married along time.  They already knew each other's tear soup would be different.  Secretly Grandy wished Pops would put more flavoring in his soup, but he doesn't want to.  And he's perfectly content to dine alone and ship his own soup.  Making tear soup is hard work.  Sometimes it was all she could think about.  even the things Grandy used to love to do, she didn't have the energy for, nor did she care about anymore.  Grandy knew there were times when she needed to take a break from her soup making.  Even though it was hard to do, she forced herself to get away.  Grandy heard that a neighbor was having to take her turn in the kitchen.  Some people thought that the neighbor was eating too much tear soup.  So Grandy, being an old and somewhat wise woman, called and invited her to a special soup gathering where it's not bad manners to cry in your soup or have second helpings.  Soon the thoughtful cooks sat at Grandy's table and discussed the process of making tear soup.  There are some parts that require help from friends and some parts you just have to do alone.  They shared stories about soup making they wouldn't dare tell anyone else for fear of being judged a bad cook. . . These people had become Grandy's "new best friends." . . . Tear soup is a way for you to sort through all the different types of feelings and memories you have when you lose someone or something special.  Some days when you're making tear soup it's even hard to breathe.  some days you feel like running away.  You just hope a better day comes along soon.  And then comes one of the hardest parts of making tear soup, It's when you decide it may be okay to eat something instead of soup all the time. . . I don't think you actually ever finish.  The hard work of making this batch of soup is almost done though.  I'll put the rest in the freezer and will pull it out from time to time to have a little taste.  I've learned that grief, like a pot of soup, changes the longer it simmers and the more things you put into it.  I've learned that sometimes people say unkind things, but they really don't mean to hurt you.  And most importantly, I've learned that there is something down deep within all of us ready to help us survive the things we think we can't survive."

]]> <![CDATA[Tear Soup]]> Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:56:04 GMT Well, here we are.. the chilly days are back!   We still haven't been able to do our leaves.. whenever we could actually do them, it's raining or the leaves are soaked!  Hopefully we get a couple of dry days, so I can get out there and take care of buisness. 

This past week has been kind of down for me.  It's strange, when you start to feel like the day to day life is getting a little better.. when you can think about your dead child and not sob, but maybe smile a little just at the thought of him.. but then out of nowhere grief knocks on the door again, and it's kind of like a punch in the chest - you think the worst is over.. the other hundreds of people and books you've read have to be all wrong.. things can't get as bad as they were at the beginning again, can they?  I do believe it can.   Well, honestly, I don't feel as horrible as I did in the beginning - I can't even imagine how much worse that time would have been without your body protecting you by throwing out the shock card for a while..  strange how that goes, huh?   I spend most of my quiet moments thinking about Dresden, grasping to whatever memories I have of him, wondering when the short 9 months will become a blur..  I'm glad that I kept a journal of my pregnancy, but I wish I'd written more.. I want every detail to stay fresh, I worry that the only details that will stay with me forever are the very last details, the ones I wish didn't exist in the mind of myself or ANYONE - today it is 10 weeks since I sat here looking for info online to prove to me that it was okay that my baby wasnt moving and then finding out later that no.. in this case.. it wasn't okay.     I realize though, after not writing for a week - that it's still important for me to do, it helps me mentally to get everything out, and it heals my heart.   Thanks for listening.  :)

]]> <![CDATA[Cold Days]]> Mon, 17 Nov 2008 07:21:51 GMT Shaun took Thursday and Friday off so we could head up to the cabin early before the weather got chilly and rainy!  We had a great time!  We took our bikes and rode around a bit, relaxed, had a fire, did some reading, puzzles and just hanging out - which is always nice!  Gwen loves the cabin, even though she missed TV!! ACK!  How did that happen??  with MY kid!? haha  Oh well.. tv and internet free for a few days was wonderful!  :)   On the way home we stopped at Bronners, as we always do, and let Gwen pick an ornament.. any kind she wanted.. guess what she picked??  A freakin' M & M!! HAHA We also found a beautiful ornament for Dresden - a snowbaby sleeping on a cloud holding a blue blanket.. it says 2008.  I feel like I want something more to remember him by at Christmas.. any ideas are welcome!  :)  

So, overall the trip was a great time!  It's always nice to get away from the everyday world and escape to someplace different.  It was sad going to the cabin without Dresden.. we keep a journal at the cabin and the last line I wrote when we were there in August was that we hope to be back in November with our new addition!   It was supposed to be our first trip as a family of 4.. a trip we were all looking forward to taking together - we could have never imagined that we'd be a family of 3 again.. ever!    

Gwen happy
us
Gwen with her

Gwen with her "gobbles"  That's what she thinks they're called! haha
kiss

She USED to be shorter than this penguin!!
paint
The arteeeeeest!!

]]> <![CDATA[Autumn trip to the cabin!]]> Mon, 10 Nov 2008 01:11:03 GMT 2 months ago almost to the minute, they took my lifeless baby boy from my body.  2 months since my life changed in ways, I could have never imagined and never wanted!  2 months ago, I lost part of who I was, I lost my son's future and the future my family envisioned with him in it.   :(

 

"A Pair of Shoes"

Author unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

 

]]> <![CDATA[2 Months]]> Sun, 09 Nov 2008 08:37:24 GMT I went to kickboxing class today.. if anything can help lift the spirits it's moving the body!  The instructor is also the instructor of a playground fitness class that Gwen has been taking most of this year.  I'd never really had a conversation with her, but felt that since Gwen and I both see her regularly for classes that I needed to tell her about Dresden.. I mean, 2 months ago I was skippng to my lou with Gwen and a big ole Dresden belly!  :)  And now all of a sudden, I'm at the rec center every day, taking classes, skipping sadly to my lou with Gwen in her class and NO BABY!  I felt like she as probably wondering where the baby was, so I felt like I wanted to talk to her about it.  So, I did.. it was a little akward, (Hi, I'm Shannon, we've never been properly introduced,  I'm sure you remember that I was pregnant.. my baby died) but it felt really good to get it out there! 

My mom told me that my uncle is hosting early christmas this year, since I guess Ma doesn't want to..  she said she told them that I was probably not going to be there.. that I shouldn't be forced to be around those tiny babies.  She said that she would hang out with me at Ma's house while the rest of the family was next door (most of my family lives on the same street!)  Well.. I really hope that by December I can be graced with the presence of the wee ones.  It is incredibly hard to see the babies, as you can imagine.. but the fact is there are babies EVERYWHERE!  It's gonna happen!  Two of our friends will be bringing newborns to our christmas party - they asked me if it would be okay, and I said that I hope it will.. but I hope to see the babes sooner, just to make sure!  I don't know if I'll hold any babies - truthfully, I only want to hold MY baby.. but who knows what another month will do to my emotional state?   maybe I'll be better.. maybe I'll be worse.  I take one day at a time and can offer no more than that. 

]]> <![CDATA[today]]> Thu, 06 Nov 2008 02:29:37 GMT I actually feel like MY vote counted!!  YIPPPEEE!! 

]]> <![CDATA[YAY!]]> Wed, 05 Nov 2008 05:32:43 GMT